MAKE FRIENDS MAKE FRIENDS NEVER EVER BRAKE FRIENDS
We were born with a few months difference, put together in the cradle when our parents were parting in the end of seventies and legend says she sucked my big toes in place of using the pacifier. We grew up as best friends at the same street. I used to get sick with her so we could skip school and play cards. We used to fight like sisters do, I remember she was biting my hands and I was squashing her cheeks with all my might. Two minutes later we were friends again. We didn’t go to the same school and frequented different social circles. We are so different, She went after a career that satisfies her and I admire her for that while I became a “barbie” as she put it once and then a mother. It never mattered to us who we were with and our differences we were always there for each other with a phone call or a visit. Wherever we are in life I know She is always there for me.
True friends might tell you off when they see you unhappy or being bad to yourself but you don’t feel judged or bad for being who you are. She knows who I am and I know who she is in the essence. She knows I can be ugly inside and loves me even so and it’s the same for me. We have been like this for as long as I can remember. Because we are true friends we are not jealous of our victories but we are happy. She came to visit and again we are best friends. I love her and she loves me for ever....
No one told me when I got pregnant that the journey would have no end
No one told me that there would be days when I would feel so tired I would not be sure I could do it
And certainly, no one has told me that it would get harder and harder each day...
Maybe I heard it from my mother during my own upbringing but then I would say my favourite sentence "I did not ask to be born"
During my pregnancy something very strange happened to me called sharing, being an only child, only niece and granddaughter from both mother and father I had to share my body and attention from those around me. Even so I became a lioness ready to kill anyone who dared cross my way to financial security and the fridge included.
Then my mindset was that I wouldn't give up my life to end up like one of those frustrated parents who live their lives through their children. There would be certain limits to my love so that I would never have to suffer rejection or abandon. I was quite enough that my baby was like a demanding parasite inside me. I loved my baby, don't get me wrong, but I wanted it to be born soon for the nightmare to be over.
Every day I would look accusingly at my husband and say I would never do it again, NEVER!
Then the day finally came, one week earlier, the water broke,and off we went to the hospital. During the procedures I would tell my doctor three things 1)"Give me drugs" 2)"Take note of the time so that I can do her birth chart" and 3) "Sew it properly because I don't want "two tummies"". And it was all a bit fuzzy but the real fear was for my husband not to pass out since his colour was greenish grey by then... And She came then and when I looked at her so small (small for me, she was a big baby) and vulnerable crying and wrapped up like a little bundle. They put her in my arms; she rubbed her perfect little nose in my neck and stopped crying. I could see sunshine and hearts radiating out of her and what I said then was ironically hilarious for I looked at my husband and said "I love her so much, let's have another one?"
One could delegate the origin of such words to oxytocin but after that my love kept growing for that little being who needed me so much that I felt suffocated and trapped many times. But I would give my life for her there, here and forever. I understand my mother better today and respect her so much more. What a great mother she is. Thank you mom for putting up with me and my tantrums, for teaching me everything I know about a lot and finally thank you mom for all the love and sacrifices only a mother would do. Every mother should get a gold medal for patience, stamina,pain and torture endurance, lack of sleep world records are beaten every day in rooms all over the world... And We will never know...
I honour you mother today, yesterday, tomorrow and forever...
LIVE FAST,DIE YOUNG AND HAVE NICE CORPSE
I have lived by this quote when younger. My daddy died when I was 17 years old and he was 39 and seven days before he would complete 40 years old and seven days after I completed 17 years old. At the time I felt a sort of lightness as if I was flying and free and maybe it is because I knew my dad was flying free. To love and to care is to create roots and shackles of responsibility for once again I have to call for my most prized greek philosophers and the theory that whatever you posses does posses you creating a lack of freedom. We all want freedom and at the same time We want to love and be loved and in the paradox of our eternal bottomless pit of desires and ambitions resides the unobtainable reality of the dreams that can not be. The lyrics of the Rolling Stones "You can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes... You just might find... You get what you need" makes sense.
So what if We all could get everything we want? We still wouldn't be happy because human beings need to need and desire to desire. We are always fighting and if we all had the power to obtain easily or knew we would then where would the fun be? We would all die of boredom.As Oscar Wilde shows in Dorian Grey because he could do anything he wanted and live forever but that freedom turn his life in debauch and emptiness.
In "Brave new world" by Aldous Huxley, my life changed. I read it and realized a few things: 1)the umbilical cord of motherhood is the first of our prisons and in the natural evolution of a normal life we will seek to create shackles of love at some point; 2) I discovered then the difference between the idea and the reality are two different things for, in reality, the biggest prison does not reside in the love from a mother to a child or vice versa but it does live in our own minds. The conclusion then is that our cooping mechanisms and actions are the jail and how we react to life in society and so on what do we expect from our selves and others and what we think others expect from us and how react to that speculation .
In reality, relationships are mirrors of how we feel and what we are in essence. And the world spins accordingly to our rhythm for it is all just the law of action and reaction!
Miss you dad, with all my heart.
Every Easter since I had a daughter that now is 3 years old and believes in the Easter bunny and Santa i do make an effort. So I made the little bag with felt, ribbons and fabric glue. Some buttons too.
I remember the first time when I was home alone. I was about twelve years old and I realized the beauty solitude can be. There and then I fell in love with my own company, fell in love with little silly secrets . I discovered that whatever action of mine was only observed by me and my conscience. It’s not that those secrets were anything worthy of being secrets but just the acknowledgement achieved that day, that moment, that no eyes would judge or admire my actions gave me power for such experience can be quite exhilarating.
I have memories and sensations that shaped my personality. I remember my mom coming back from the hairdresser with long red curls and thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember just laughing with my dad and thinking he was just the coolest handsomest guy in the world. And this admiration and love will never cease to exist. I am very lucky because I was brought up in to so much love and amidst people that I will always admire. One day I discovered my parents were far from being perfect but still to me they are and will always be the most perfect imperfect people in the world.
Life is made of so many little moments and it’s hard sometimes to just transform yourself in to an eagle and observe your reality from a totally different perception. I have, since as long as I can remember, been able to be an eagle and fly high surrounding that moment of pain or glory. It is simple to do it for all one needs is to try to imagine how that moment will reverberate in the memory and heart years ahead and in doing it so the eagle that exists in you will fly and disconnect from the moment and the emotions caused by whatever situation. When I fly I do it out of wisdom and not out of any “enhancements” and/or “substances” other than my capacity to cope with situations for this article has no correlation to “The doors perception”. I just manage to see the bigger picture in moments when emotions are clouding my view. Emotions can be the biggest enemies of wisdom. They are addictive, repetitive, cruel and kind. An emotion can cause eco in the soul and that eco can trigger a person to act in ripples repeatedly responding to the original point where the shout started.
It can be extremely difficult to break the ripple and shout back creating a different eco when every single molecule in your body intoxicated by the emotion trigger that caused that ECO OOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!! That caused that ripple that some never stop recreating over and over those same “comforting” sensations ( by comforting I don’t mean good necessarily but well recognized the ripple).
A Siberian Shaman once took a small group of people to a mountain surrounded by the sea and in this group it happens that I was a part along with my mother. After many exercises with drums and especial breathing exercises. Then the Shaman asked us to each in its time shout really loud, to scream from the top of our lungs asking the “GREAT SPIRIT” or was it “ANCIENT GREAT SPIRIT OF EARTH”? The mission for each and every one of the small group was to shout and ask for our deepest desire in life. They all shouted first but when it was my turn I did it with all my might asking for my deepest and most profound desire in life. I shouted looking at the sky and the infinity of the sea and I was feeling like I was talking to the Universe, to God, to the origins of every single molecule of energy that has ever existed and will ever exist and I asked it. What I asked for I got and when I finished my whole body was shaking with that energy of pure release and completion. I really created a different eco there and then. Braking the ripple and creating a different eco, flying the eagle of wisdom … Yep by now whoever reads these might take me for a total loony but do you know what? I really do not care!!!
Have a great weekend and break the ripple !
Being an only child you get used to moments of complete introspection and sometimes complete loneliness plus that combined with my total lack of abilities to any sort of sports led me to make an extreme effort on the social behaviour bordering my instincts to become tainted for I remember feeling so different in my tastes, I remember trying really hard to pretend to be normal and slightly dumb because I needed to fit in and maybe I tried so hard I lost my weirdness that made me so UNIQUE , that was the source of all my light. I loved reading good and intelligent books for days, watching cult movies and the reality is that … -OH GOD ALMIGHTY- it dawned on me again another epiphany and I was shocked with realizing that all those Science fiction books and movies based on a different reality usually set on the future were reality. We are ZOMBIES completely brainwashed to follow the fashion, work to spend our money in Shit We do not need and not question anything. It must be difficult to maintain order of wild free thinking beasts like us mortal defective Human beings. So the plan for the order is We all look the same, weight the same, better if We do it on a sub nutrition kind of way for We are destroying trees and you know? Ecosystem and all that so the resources once abundant were now not enough. We don’t read good books anymore, they are available for purchase but only very few still read them, people like to take those distasteful tablets that lack the beauty and comforting company a book gives because of course the tablets a smaller and easy to carry around but I thought the good thing was to spend time inside that amazing world that is a book. There is magic in the pages of a well worn book and without it the word book doesn’t exist anymore. So We don’t read books not because they are not available anymore but because our life style became as fast as the speed of our broadband connection- Who needs to study these days or call an specialist when you can do it all by yourself and learn it at two in the morning if desired so? With one advantage, saving money. We are addicted, junkies of technology and virtual realities, I don’t need to be nice to any person, I have my friends from facebook that I don’t see for how long? 15 or 25 years and then I finally wake up and scold myself again for I AM LATE AGAIN- need to go to my “semi- alive” reality.